Er að "wallowa"...

Mér líður ílla, ég hef ekki sofið í þrjá daga, ég er fölur og tala óstöðugt og hef misst allan vilja til neins. Ekkert nema endaleysa og vesen hefur verið ráðandi í lífi mínu síðan klukkan sló fyrsti janúar, ég myndi vonast eftir betri hlutum seinna í ár ef ég hefði einhverja von eftir. Draumar mínir um kvikmyndaskólann urðu "byebye", ég nenni ekki einu sinni að útskýra það...

Eina sem heldur mér gangandi í dag eru hugsanir mínar, þegar ég ímynda mér að ég sé grískur hermaður árið sjammalammadingdong fyrir Krist að slátra viðbjóðs Austurlendingum finn ég fyrir smá glugga af hamingju...

Talandi um gríska hermenn árið sjammalammadingdong fyrir Krist, ég hef verið að lesa stíft um Trojustríðið gamla. Ég býst við að eiga eftir að lesa fleiri altilgangslausa hluti í náinni framtíð til þess að gleyma veruleikanum tímabundið. Miðjumoðs kvikmynd hans Wolfgang Petersen (Troy-2004) gat varla neitt gott gert fyrir goðsögnina, þó alls ekki alslæm þá sleppur hún sem decent kvikmynd. En af hverju í andskotanum finnst öllum handritshöfundum í Hollywood nauðsynlegt að breyta öllu þegar verið er að skrifa uppúr eldri heimild? Það þarf góðar ástæður, þetta á ekki að vera tilgangslaus vani...

Allavega... nóg um vanlíðuna mína, ég ætla þó að sýna ykkur upprunalega handritið af Kingdom of Heaven. Ég skrifaði það auðvitað...


KINGDOM OF HEAVEN original screenplay January 8th 2006 Written by ME

1. GRAVESITE

PRIEST
Hey guys, you have to cut of her head because she committed suicide and all...

GRAVEDIGGER
Really?

PRIEST
Yeah.

GRAVEDIGGER
Interesting.

GODFREY
Where's Balian?

PRIEST
He's in the village.


2. VILLAGE

PRIEST
This is Balian.

GODFREY
Balian, I am your father.

BALIAN
...

GODFREY
I'm sorry man.

BALIAN
...

GODFREY
We're going to Jerusalem, ya commin with?

BALIAN
No, and I can't state any specific reason for it.

GODFREY
Ok, bye.


3. LATER IN VILLAGE

PRIEST
The village does not want you here.

BALIAN
Why is that?

PRIEST
Because you suck man...

BALIAN
Wow, that's a good reason.

PRIEST
By the way, I had your wife's head cut off with an axe and I stole her cross. See?

BALIAN
Damn you!

"stabs priest"

PRIEST
But I am your half-brother!

BALIAN
Only in the director's cut!

"priest dies"


4. ROAD

BALIAN
Hey dad! I'm coming with ya!

GODFREY
Splendid.


5. WOODS

GODFREY
Well, time to practice.

BALIAN
But my hand is hurt!

GODFREY
I once fought two day testi... I once battled without... I once die... Damn! I don't have a testicle!

BALIAN
What was that all about?

HOSPITALLER
Beats me, half the time we can't understand him.

BLONDE ENGLISHMAN (Kevin McKidd)
Some guys are coming.

MEDIEVALCOP
I'm here for Balian who killed his half-brother priest.

GODFREY
They are only brothers in the director's cut!

MEDIEVALCOP
I know nephew.

GODFREY
And we are only related in the director's cut as well!

"Battle, Godfrey is shot with an arrow"


6. NIGHT

HOPITALLER
You may die.

GODFREY
That sucks.

BALIAN
...


7. ROAD TO MESSINA

GUY
Who's this?

GODFREY
My son.

GUY
Well, that's enough character introduction, I'm off.


8. MESSINA

GODFREY
Hey Balian, help the king and be a good knight.

"dies"

BALIAN
...


9. LATER IN MESSINA

HOSPITALLER
You go now to Jerusalem and I'll come later.

BALIAN
Why?

HOSPITALLER
Good question.


10. SHIP

"ship flounders and everyone (including the blonde Englishman played by Kevin McKidd) dies exept Balian"


11. SHORE

BALIAN
Wow, everyone save me and a horse died, isn't that a little too conveniant? Nah it's just Gods will.


12. BALIAN MEETS DR. BASHIR

BASHIR
That's my masters horse!

BALIAN
What? No it's my horse!

BASHIR
Now my master will fight you!

"Balian kills master"

BASHIR
Damn.

BALIAN
Take me to Jerusalem!


13. JERUSALEM

BALIAN
Bye Dr. Bashir.

BASHIR
Bye strange christian.


14. MARKET

BALD GUY
Your my master Balian.

BALIAN
...

BALD GUY
Come with me.


15. MANSION

SIBYLLA
I'm thirsty!

BALIAN
Here's water.

SIBYLLA
Thanks. If you see Balian tell him Sibylla called.

BALIAN
...k.


16. IN HOUSE

BALIAN
I think I've lost my religion.

"Losing my Religion - REM starts"

HOSPITALLER
Be a good man Balian.

BALIAN
...k.


17. TIBERIAS

REYNALD
I am Reynald de Chatillon!

TIBERIAS
You suck Reynald!

REYNALD
Proove it!

TIBERIAS
The King will take your castle Kerak, now leave you evil man!

"Reynald leaves"

HOSPITALLER
Hey Tib, this is Balian, do you have any food?


18. DINNER

GUY
It seems that my character intro didn't establish my fickle personality so I'll make it clear this time. Balian!

BALIAN
...?

GUY
I hate you!

BALIAN
Glad that's all clear. Hey Sibylla, didn´t you know it was me earlier?

SIBYLLA
I did, I just wanted to look smart by ignoring you.

BALIAN
Hm, that seems sensible.


19. THE KING

BALDWIN
Balian, you must protect the pilgrim road at Ibelin.

BALIAN
Are you Marlon Brando!?

BALDWIN
No.

BALIAN
Then *beep* you.

"Balian leaves"


20. IBELIN

SIBYLLA
I'd like to stay at your house.

BALIAN
...k.


21. LATER

SIBYLLA
In the east, between one person and another, there is only light.

"blows candle"

BALIAN
I don't get it.

SIBYLLA
Sex!

BALIAN
...k.


22. DESERT

GUY
We have to kill those muslims.

REYNALD
I am Reynald de Chatillon!

"they kill the muslims"


23. KING'S COURT

TIBERIAS
Guy and Reynald killed a bunch of muslims.

GUY
Liar!

BALDWIN
Saladin is coming with a big army.

TIBERIAS
Omg!


24. IBELIN

BALD GUY
The King is going to Kerak!

BALIAN
That must mean war.


25. KERAK

BALIAN
Ok guys, we're gonna charge into those evil saracens.

"charge, the saracens win"

BASHIR
Hey Balian.

BALIAN
Hey Dr. Bashir. So... what now?

BASHIR
Dunno. My king is coming, and so is yours.

SALADIN
Go back leper.

BALDWIN
Nay!

SALADIN
Reynald must be punished!

BALDWIN
I will handle it! Ok? Do we have terms?

SALADIN
Yea.


26. KERAK

REYNALD
I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon! I am Reynald de Chatillon!

BALDWIN
And I am Jerusalem, you are an evil man and must be imprisoned.

REYNALD
I am Reynald de Chatillon!

BALDWIN
Is that all you ever say?

REYNALD
Yes.

BALDWIN
Now you didn't say it.

REYNALD
Yeah, I didn't. That's odd.


27. KING'S ROOM

BALDWIN
I want you Balian to be king after my death.

BALIAN
...k.

BALDWIN
Wait, you must hear everything. Will you marry Sibylla and have Guy killed to do so.

BALIAN
No.

BALDWIN
Why not?

BALIAN
I'm supposed to be a good man. *beep* you guys, I'm outta here.

TIBERIAS
Damn.


28. KING'S BEDROOM

BALDWIN
I was dreaming of sex.

SIBYLLA
Your so beautiful my brother.

BALDWIN
My beautiful sister, so beautiful.

SIBYLLA
We are both beautiful.

"Baldwin dies"


29. CORONATION

SIBYLLA
I am queen, Guy is king.

PEASENT
Wait! What about your son? Isn't he supposed to be king!?

SIBYLLA
Only in the director's cut.


30. OUTSIDE JERUSALEM

GUY
Now we shall attack the muslims with all our armies, though it is the stupidest decision that anyone could ever make it is fitting for my character to decide so. Who is with me?

" all say AYE"

BALIAN
I wont go.

TIBERIAS
I wont either!

"the entire army is destroyed"


31. HORNS OF HATTIN

TIBERIAS
I'm going to Cyprus.

BALIAN
...k.


32. JERUSALEM

BALIAN
People of Jerusalem, you are all individuals!

"silence"

MAN
I'm not!

BALIAN
Hey, you cut my wife's head off! What the *beep* are you doing here?

GRAVEDIGGER
I dont know, I was just cut right into this place.

BALIAN
It will probably be explained further in the director's cut.

GRAVEDIGGER
Yeah.

"siege lasts for days.


33. NEGOTIATIONS

SALADIN
If you give back the city I will let you all live.

BALIAN
...k.

"surrenders city"


34. BACK IN FRANCE

RICHARD THE LIONHEART
I'm looking for Balian.

BALIAN
I am a blacksmith.

RICHARD THE LIONHEART
And I am the king of England.

BALIAN
I am a blacksmith.

RICHARD THE LIONHEART
And I'm the king of England.

BALIAN
I am a blacksmith.

RICHARD THE LIONHEART
I'm the King of England.

BALIAN
Am a blacksmith.

RICHARD THE LIONHEART
King of England.

BALIAN
Blacksmith.

RICHARD THE LIONHEART
King.

BALIAN
Balian isn't here.

RICHARD THE LIONHEART
Well well, of we go then.

THE END.